Falling shadows

Dark silhouetted rocks protrude against this body, so tired of moving, no more energy to try. Today I closed a book. Its final. Many tears have stained the paper, hidden tears, afraid to see what would happen if they cried. Lately my mind has been a cloud, dusty, fragile, almost broken to the touch. And now, there is no motion, no suggestion. Moving backward is painful, moving forward, even so. Quietness floods my soul, and this incredible darkness takes hold. A day done, hope gone, less energy then ever before and brokenness, absolute brokenness. I give up.

No where to run,

No where to hide,

From your touch,

Lord, from your touch, tonight,

A new day has gone,

And as it ends,

I say good bye,

To one of my oldest friends,

Out here in the cold,

And utterly alone,

What have I done,

I'm so far from home,

But even here your light,

Shines on me this night,

An age old battle,

An eternal fight,

Yet here I am, tonight,

The old days are gone,

And as they end,

I say good bye,

To one of my oldest friends.

Declaration of my determination

“Don’t judge a thing ‘til you know what’s inside it,”
-Brian Adams

Determination is a lethal weapon, use it wisely, and you can defeat anything that stands in your way. To acquire determination, you don’t need skills, knowledge, or talent, you just need a focus and to keep your eyes on it. Don’t let any distractions get in your way.

I am determined to stay on the path God has marked for me. He has given me all I need to stay on this path, and if I am in need he provides. This is the path I have chosen not so long ago. I gave God my life a few months more than a year ago. And in doing so he helped me in losing the distractions and past guilt that were high tailing me for so long. At one point I felt so guilty my guilt consumed me. And it was at that point that I felt his presence more then ever. He was there protecting me with his invisible forces when I let my guard down. I also started realizing who my true friends were, they were the ones who stuck with me through my trials, and didn’t forget about me. In turn I haven’t forgotten about them. When they are down (and I know about it) I go to them, and bring them what they need most, a friend. This is my determination, not to look back, but to look forward, as Paul did. I am determined to run in the Shepard’s fields, with those friends who are not yet Christians. To forget about depression and remember that, when he died, Jesus gave his disciples pure joy everlasting. I am one of those disciples. Determination drives me to be like Christ, who, even though they killed him brutally, loved (and still does), the world.

Like a child reaching for her father, I reach up to God to pick me up, to fill my cup. He calls me, quietly now, to be his child, to call when I need. But ever so often that voice gets so loud I can’t hear myself speak, and drowning it out is not an option.

I am determined to be a disciple, willing to give not only my spiritual life, but everything. In doing this, I know and expect darkness to send impossible trials to whip and torment me. But where darkness shadows the light shines seven times brighter. I won’t doubt God. He presence reassures me, and grants strength, even in weakness. It has come time to press on. It has come time to push out. And it has come time to take the leap.

Jumping off a cliff with no strings, and no wings, just the knowledge that if he wants me to, God will give me life. No strings, no wings, just God.