.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

dieing to live

Location: Manitoba, Canada

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


Somehow I have lost, and there is no way to win anymore. I have grown weary, and weak. I have forgotten who I am, and there is no looking back, because if I call upon the past… I don’t know what will happen. The future seems so hopeless. But looking farther still brings something forward, something that I don’t know how to explain. And I don’t even know if it is good or not. I hate not being able to tell what it is. Life seems so boring, worthless, and hopeless. I feel the weakness flow through me, washing out all of the strength that I attained, not so long ago. It feels like God isn’t here, if he ever was. I listen to this music, but it rings hollow through my empty body. The light that my eyes used to hold has spilled to the floor in a downpour of tears. As if raining tears wasn’t enough, lightning strikes its sulfur deep into my drying skin, engraving me with scars, that open themselves. Thoughts of nonsense thunder off the mirrors of an insecure soul. All of my life has been focusing on a lifetime that I’ve been trying to find. No matter what I do, even this, is unacceptable to me. I don’t know how to stop trying to find myself. I don’t know how to stop wondering, and doubting tomorrow. I know that I have to, but I’ve tried so many ways that my hope is gone. All that is left is a wall, a wall that I cannot pass, a line of security that will not let me leave my comfort zone. I’m tired of trying to beat it down. The helplessness has overtaken me, and I am about to fall to my face in despair, and let my tears drown me.
But, somewhere, in the distance, there is one last candle lit, the darkness around it has trembled, and fallen back. The light filters into my thirsting eyes, and I step closer. The darkness lends me excuses, reasons that I should turn back. The curiosity overrides the temptation, and an unknown force pushes me, ever so gently, forward in wonder at the candle. Why is it lit in the dark? Who would want me back in its radiance?
Suddenly I am unaware of my thoughts. Light beams down from above and creates a force field around me. All of the blackness is gone, and I have collapsed, but I’m still breathing. Is it possible to be consciously unconscious? Because, that’s what it feels like. At once all breathing stops. In that split second there is no feeling, no emotion, no thought. My eyes close, but the light is somehow within them. Not to mention the darkness has retreated far, far back. I am lifted, oblivious to my surroundings. Voices whisper in my ears, voices that are so familiar, yet I don’t remember hearing them, ever. One voice, out of all of them rises louder, or do the others quiet? The One Voice was the smallest before. Now it has risen into a thunderous dominance over the rest. It speaks in a different tongue, Hebrew, I think, but somehow, I understand it, but, if it is possible to understand and not know, there is no knowledge to what it says. In an instant the words are stripped from memory, as my heart stops. There I lay, embroidered in light, helpless. But I find some strength, just enough to ask, “Who are you?” The voice rings solid through my ears, 5 simple words, “I AM that I AM.”
Once again the light lifts me with no pressure. My head has gotten weightless. It along with my arms and legs has fallen back. Helpless, I let it all go. My breathing and my heart have both stopped, what do I have to hold onto anymore? What can you lose, if you have lost everything?
I guess this was the only way that God could get my attention. The only way that he could get through to me, was first to show me the darkness before I could see the hope the light holds. Because, after he put me down again I didn’t catch consciousness right away. His presence didn’t leave me, and it still hasn’t. He has given me much since the light took hold of me. He has given me the power to believe in some one that I’d have never known if it weren’t for brokenness. And he has given me the knowledge of the power of prayer, love, and peace. He has shown me where true joy lye’s, not on the temporary highs of this tempting, ever seductive world that is darkness cloaked in what we see as light, but in real it is darkness draped in more deceiving darkness. And when we finally figure out that the world is deceiving, we may be dead. But the other some of us is left searching, searching for something more. Not realizing that the one we are searching for isn’t that far away. In fact, what we are searching for lye’s inside of us. The need to worship something. That need is only satisfied when we worship Jesus. But way more than half of the world, has never heard about who Jesus really is.
Pretty soon the darkness is going to take over this already burning world. The Bible says for 42 months the dragon will reign over the world, and those who choose to buy and sell will be given the Devil’s mark. A tattoo on the forehead, or right hand that reads, 666. And this will mean that whomever has this mark embedded in their skin has been claimed by him, the father of lies. He thirsts for the control that only God possesses. And once he has it, a little taste of it, 42 months of it, only God can stop him from gathering more. Look at the world’s state right now. We have everything in numbers. From license plates to student numbers. When the deceiver gets hold of the controls, who knows what might happen? He is like your rebellious brother. You know, the one who refuses to let go of the remote, or game paddle. Or the one who has been given the keys and is a terrible driver, but believes that he is a professional at controlling the vehicle’s actions. The one who thinks that he is better then everyone at everything.
Heaven’s angels are at war with hells fallen angels. Pretty soon we will be in this war too. In fact, we are. Every time that we refuse what the devil offers, The Kingdom rejoices. But every time we are deceived by him, God shakes his head, and hell is happy with their smug faces hot with laughter, laughing at all that Jesus is and means.
Therefore I refuse to give in to the devil’s seductive grin. I will raise my hands and be a disciple, living in spirit, and forgetting about the flesh. Letting this temporary day of suffering bring all of the glory to God, as I sacrifice all that the illusion that this earthly dwelling has given me. For the earth is but a shell, it is not home yet. For home, * laughs*, to me, is only in one place; home, is with the Father. And one day, I’ll have the honor of meeting him, face to face.

This earth is but the shell of the seed. It is dead. But it contains precious life inside. And soon the life will blossom, and a flower, that none have yet seen will break forth into the light of the sun. Right now we are blind of what is yet to come, the brilliance of him.
Some that are in the seed have refused the light, not believing that it will bring life; and so they die, never to come to life again. But, somehow, there is still a ray of hope for them. And that is us, the ones who are alive. Let Jesus take over, and you will be given the words to say. Hand him the keys and you will not fly off of that broken down bridge in front of you. Instead, you will fly over it. Give him your trust and you will also be trusted. Die to the flesh, and you will inherit life in him, because if you die with him, you will surely live with him.

- Barbie Friesen